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Where to Stay: Luxury That Won’t Ghost You

Forget haunted hotels and questionable motels—Bermuda is all about high-end luxury with views so stunning, you’ll question reality. Stay at the Rosewood Bermuda for the ultimate five-star treatment, where your hardest decision will be whether to sip your cocktail poolside or beachfront. Want something a little more discreet (in case you, I don’t know, need to lay low after "accidentally" missing your return flight)? Check out the exclusive Hamilton Princess & Beach Club, where pink walls and plush accommodations make it feel like a real-life Barbie Dream House—minus the plastic furniture.

What to Do: Activities That Won’t Vanish Into Thin Air

1. Get Lost (But Not Too Lost) in Crystal Caves

Descend into a magical underworld of stalactites, underground pools, and echoes that make you sound like Beyoncé. The Crystal Caves are one of Bermuda’s most famous attractions, and unlike that sketchy shortcut you took on your last road trip, these caves actually lead somewhere magical. Just don’t drop your phone—it might end up in another dimension.

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2. Pink Sands & Piña Coladas

If you’ve ever wanted to feel like you’re walking on crushed-up rosé, head to Horseshoe Bay Beach. The sand is naturally pink (yes, really), the water is chef’s kiss perfection, and the views are so dreamy you’ll forget your inbox exists. Pro tip: Book a beachfront cabana in advance with this VIP service so you can lounge in style while someone else fetches your drinks.

3. Snorkel in a Sunken Shipyard (Hopefully Not Yours)

Bermuda’s clear waters are home to some of the most beautiful shipwrecks in the world. Snorkeling or scuba diving here is like stepping into an Indiana Jones movie—minus the risk of booby traps. The best spots? The wreck of the "Mary Celestia" (a Civil War-era blockade runner) and the Cristóbal Colón, which is basically an underwater museum at this point. Book a guided dive with this top-rated tour and thank me later when you don’t end up tangled in seaweed.

Where to Eat: Because You Didn’t Fly Here for Airplane Peanuts

For fresh seafood: The Lobster Pot – where the fish is so fresh, it practically high-fives you before hitting your plate.

For a cocktail with a view: The Swizzle Inn – home of the famous Rum Swizzle, Bermuda’s signature drink. Sip responsibly—or don’t, I’m not your life coach.

For an upscale dinner that justifies your outfit: 1609 Bar & Restaurant – perfect for a romantic night out (or a solo "treat yourself" moment if your only love affair is with lobster risotto).

Final Thoughts: Will You Make It Back?